1 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,640 - Right, here we are. - The House of Hell. 2 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,040 - Wish us luck, then. - Yeah, 3 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,080 and we'll try not to 4 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,320 - get off with your dad. - (NERVOUS LAUGH) 5 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,920 Um, actually, if you could just wait here for a sec while we... 6 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,200 - Huh? - We'll be really quick. 7 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,800 - What do you mean? - We just need to nip in and... 8 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,040 I thought we were finally meeting your parents tonight. 9 00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,680 No, no, you are finally meeting our parents tonight. 10 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,360 We just need to check on some stuff. 11 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,080 You mean threaten your mum and dad with an axe if they embarrass you. 12 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,000 - (LAUGHS) - What?! 13 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,640 That's so what they're doing. 14 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,800 - Er, Adam? - I'll turn the radio on. 15 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,840 ...Both women were found shot in the head. 16 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,800 - Thanks. - (LAUGHS) 17 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,440 Love you, babe! 18 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,720 - Rumbled. - A million percent. 19 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,960 - Ready? - Yep. 20 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,560 Candles?! 21 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,520 - Unbelievable! - Unbelievable! 22 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,600 - (BLOWS) - Flowers?! 23 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:22,960 Unbelievable! 24 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,400 - (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) - Music?! 25 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,800 Unbelievable! 26 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,640 (BLOWS) 27 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,600 (MUTTERING) 28 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,640 - It's called soup. - Agh! 29 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,120 What you doing, you buggers? 30 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,160 Why are you in a suit? 31 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,320 - We said no suit. - Yeah! 32 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,320 Where's your females? 33 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:39,800 - (GROANS) "Females." - And you better not 34 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,039 get their names wrong tonight. 35 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,400 Gloria and Elizabeth? 36 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,600 - What? - No - Lucy - 37 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,000 they're both called Lucy! 38 00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:46,960 - Are they? - Yes! 39 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,160 Now listen. Don't tell your mother - cos she's a bleeding stress ball tonight - 40 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,840 - but this soup is... - Are they here? 41 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,800 - Are they here?! - Shit. 42 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,080 (JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) 43 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:59,240 - Where's the lovely Lucys? - It's OK, Mum, calm down. 44 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,960 - Oh, don't say you've been dumped. - Huh? 45 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,280 I knew it - I knew they'd dump you! 46 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:04,720 Er, we haven't been dumped, thank you! 47 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,640 - Well, where are they, then? - They're in the car, but first... 48 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,000 The car?! What are they doing in the car?! 49 00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:11,880 And what happened to my candles, and where are my flowers? 50 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,080 We said no candles and no flowers, remember? 51 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:15,800 Just let the girls in, will you? 52 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:18,360 And we definitely said no suit for Dad. 53 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,560 What? He looks nice. 54 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,560 He looks like an undertaker. 55 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,960 - Anus. - Charming. We said casual. 56 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,120 I am casual - it's my casual suit. 57 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,320 - It's your funeral suit. - Yes, for casual funerals. 58 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,600 Martin, just lose the bloody suit. 59 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,200 - God! - (HORN TOOTS) 60 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,000 Is that them? 61 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,360 - Shit. OK - last-minute rules. 62 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,560 - Rules? - No embarrassing baby stories. 63 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,000 - Adam doing toilet on the stairs. - Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms. 64 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,440 No kissing us on the head. 65 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,800 And absolutely no crying or getting emotional. 66 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,240 So I should just be a machine, then, should I? 67 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,120 Yes. A silent machine. 68 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,600 - Come on. - And Dad! 69 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,200 - What? - No talking about the economy, 70 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,520 or Britain's bloody waterways. 71 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,160 Which are criminally underused. 72 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,480 Exactly. No physics, dustbins... 73 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,920 ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man kill a duck with a hammer. 74 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,400 Turkey with a brick. 75 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,600 - Maybe Dad should put his suit on again. - Oh, pissing hell! 76 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,000 Make your bloody mind up. 77 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,080 Right! 78 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,400 Oh, my Bobbles - both with girlfriends!! 79 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,760 - (KISSES) - Mum... 80 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,360 - (KISSES) - Mum! 81 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,560 Briefing over? 82 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:23,920 Really, they are such gorgeous flowers. Thank you, Lucy, 83 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,079 and thank you...Lucy! 84 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,400 Pleasure. 85 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,880 But my Lucy's flowers are slightly nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers, 86 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,120 - aren't they, Mum? - Jonny! 87 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,160 Pissface. 88 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,240 Don't be silly, Jonathan - they are both gorgeous. 89 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,640 And so are the flowers! 90 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,280 - I like your mum already! - Me too! 91 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,760 Come through. 92 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,360 Good evening, everyone. 93 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,600 Ahh - the family undertaker. 94 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,680 A pleasure to meet you both. 95 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:45,920 - Hi. - Hello. 96 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,040 Martin, you're not the Prime Minister. 97 00:03:48,079 --> 00:03:50,480 - What? M Goodman. - ALL: "M"? 98 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,440 Yes, M, you berks, for Martin. 99 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,320 (LAUGHS) As opposed to? 100 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,920 Martin with an F - "Fartin"! 101 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,240 (CHORTLES) 102 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,160 He's just turned seven. 103 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,600 Come through. I love these flowers! 104 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,360 Lads - soup. 105 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,680 - What? - Huh? 106 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,280 - You all right? - Hmm? 107 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,360 Do sit anywhere, sweeties. 108 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,360 - Thanks. - Ooh, I'm loving the big photos! 109 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,440 - Oh, yeah. - Really? The boys hate them. 110 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,800 We do. 111 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,160 JACKIE: Silly. 112 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,440 Ooh! 113 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,360 Er...you can sit on Adam, if you like. 114 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,480 - Martin! - Um, I'm OK, thanks. 115 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,480 - He's a strong lad. - Dad! 116 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,640 Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big lass. 117 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:30,880 Um, that's good to know. 118 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,400 Martin! 119 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,720 Yes, do keep talking. 120 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,720 Ooh - the champagne. Go on. 121 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,800 Jackie has made chicken soup tonight. 122 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,880 Er, yes. Thank you. 123 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,840 And your waiter for this evening is... 124 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,159 - (THEY LAUGH) - But if you don't want any, 125 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,960 that's not a problem at all. 126 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,760 That's not a weird thing to say. 127 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,720 Are you feeling all right? 128 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,080 - Hmm? - Well, I love chicken soup. 129 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,120 Oh, man, just give it to me in a bucket! 130 00:04:54,159 --> 00:04:55,280 A bucket! 131 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,040 - Actually, make that two buckets! - And two straws! 132 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,800 Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?! 133 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,000 BOYS: Yes, Mum. 134 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,840 Er, but if you do change your minds, other items are provided. 135 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,280 That's not a much weirder thing to say. 136 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,360 Just get the champagne, 137 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,640 - will you, weirdo? - Oh, yeah. 138 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,320 Cos I was meant to get the champagne when I was out buying the potatoes. 139 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,480 Yes, that's right. 140 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,000 You forgot the champagne, didn't you? 141 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,440 I remembered the potatoes. 142 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,440 Oh, Martin! 143 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,600 Seriously? 144 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,440 One second. Just talk to the girls, will you? 145 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,520 What? (SEXY VOICE) Of course I'll talk to the girls. 146 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,880 Rowrr! 147 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,120 Please don't talk to the girls. 148 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,680 Right, lads - come on. 149 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:36,760 - Sorry? - What? 150 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,720 - I need a word. - Well, go on, then. 151 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,560 Well, not in here, you pillocks. Not in front of the... 152 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,360 ...females. 153 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,440 BOTH LUCYS: "Females"? 154 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,840 Oh, my God. 155 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,000 In my, you know...office. 156 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,159 - Urgh. - Office means toilet. 157 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,120 Seriously, just get it over with. 158 00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:55,240 - Get what over with? - "Females", obviously. 159 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,520 No, it's not females. Now, listen. 160 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,600 If it's about wearing a sheath again, 161 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,480 - well, I'm sorry, but... - There's glass in the soup. 162 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:03,320 - What? - There's what?! 163 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,800 Shh! I don't want your bloody mother to know! 164 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:09,080 There's some glass in the soup, all right? 165 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,440 - All right?! - Glass in the soup?! 166 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,640 What are you talking about? 167 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,200 - Well, you know what glass is? - BOTH: Yes. 168 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,720 - And you know what soup is? - (GROANS) 169 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,080 Well, one of them is in the other. 170 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,480 - How? Why?! - (SIGHS) 171 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,400 Your mum asked me to stir the soup. 172 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,960 Her first error. And then I accidentally smashed the bulb 173 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,920 in the extractor fan thing above the pot and it sort of... 174 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,840 Exploded right into the soup? Oh, you're such a bloody idiot! 175 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:27,560 - Shut up! - Ow! 176 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,320 OK, so there's glass in the soup, and you want us not to tell Mum, 177 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,680 despite the fact that if she drinks any, she's going straight to hospital? 178 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,720 Yeah - should I call the ambulance now, or...? 179 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,360 She's not going to hospital, stupid babies! 180 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,200 Just don't say a bloody word, or she'll chop my sodding hands off. 181 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,560 - But Dad... - And you better not tell your birds. 182 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,560 - We're definitely telling our birds. - What?! 183 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:45,320 Why? 184 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,600 Why?! So they don't end up in intensive care! 185 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,159 Yeah. Next to Mum. 186 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,720 Nothing's going to happen - I sieved most of the stuff. 187 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:52,880 Most of it. 188 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,440 Yeah! And I picked out the main shards. 189 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,840 Oh, good, so the main shards of glass are gone. 190 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,600 What about the less main shards of glass? 191 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,800 Yeah, the ones that only pierce the less main organs when swallowed, 192 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,200 you know - like the oesophagus, 193 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,720 - or the spleen. - (THWACK) 194 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,560 - Dad! - (KNOCKING) 195 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,280 JACKIE: What are you doing in there? 196 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,920 Hello, my sweet. 197 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,480 - What are you all doing? It's rude. - Er... 198 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,440 ...just having a, you know, man-to-man chat. 199 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,040 Oh, I see. 200 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,480 Won't be long, love. 201 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,640 They're lovely girls! 202 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,200 And yet, only five minutes later, 203 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,320 she was tearing at her throat in agony. 204 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,800 Berk. So don't say a bloody word, OK? 205 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,200 It had to be tonight, didn't it? 206 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,720 Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass never did anyone any harm. 207 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:36,600 - Huh? - What? 208 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,720 Just drink from the side of the bowl, don't touch anything on the bottom. 209 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,920 We have to eat glass. 210 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,040 (WHINES) 211 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,440 There we are. Some chickieboo soup for you. 212 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,000 - And a nice big bucket for you! - Ha! 213 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,159 Thanks. 214 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,720 Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh... 215 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,480 Silly me - I forgot my own spoon. 216 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,680 Or maybe I'll get myself a straw, eh, girls? 217 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,280 - (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry, 218 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:09,960 but glass? You've got to tell your mum. 219 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,040 - Luce. - Obviously you have to tell her. 220 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,080 (SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't really work like that 221 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,280 in this house, does it, Jonny? 222 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,120 No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad? 223 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,280 Mmm? 224 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,360 And you're going to drink that, are you? 225 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,000 What do you think I'm going to do with it? Funnel it up my bum? 226 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,480 Look, just drink from the side of the bowl, and you should be fine. 227 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,920 So we're just going to sit here 228 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,360 and watch your mum choke to death, are we? 229 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,320 It is sort of the easiest option. 230 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,760 Sorry, everyone. 231 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:35,320 How's the soup? 232 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,520 - Lovely. - It's really nice. 233 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,760 Aww, thanks. 234 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,000 So... 235 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,720 Er...the school I work in has just had a swimming pool put in. 236 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,840 Oh! Um, has it? 237 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,280 Yeah. Ha! 238 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,640 Erm, but, erm... 239 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,600 I wish our office had a swimming pool! 240 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,600 Oh, do you? And is it a nice big office, then? 241 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,720 Um, well, it's just two of us, really, but still, a pool would be nice. 242 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,080 Oh, God, yeah, 243 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,560 - a pool! - (DOORBELL) 244 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,120 I'll get it. 245 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,120 And please - someone eat something! 246 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,800 (LAUGHS) 247 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,040 Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"? 248 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,320 And you're having more?! 249 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,440 Glass-Eater of the Year. 250 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,600 Shut your gobs! 251 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,600 Right, well, if you don't say anything, we bloody will. 252 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,440 Yeah! God - all right! 253 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,120 Gitfaces. 254 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,680 Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone, but... 255 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:31,880 Hello, all! 256 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,440 - Oh, no... - Hello, Jim. 257 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,600 Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour. 258 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,440 - Friend. - Neighbour. 259 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,840 Neighbour and friend. 260 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,520 - (MILSON WHINES) - Er...? 261 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:46,040 Boys, your mother told me you'd both brought girls round 262 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,240 - for dinner. - Er, yes. 263 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,640 And are those the girls? 264 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,560 - I think so. - Yes, Jim, those are the girls. 265 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,000 Hello, girls. 266 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,640 - BOTH: Hi. - I'm Lucy. 267 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,600 I'm... I'm also Lucy. 268 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,240 So you're...one person... 269 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,000 ...in two bodies? 270 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,720 - What?! - Er, well, goodnight, Jim. 271 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:07,960 Oh, yes. 272 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,120 Oh, just to let you know, 273 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,200 Milson's been sick. 274 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,680 Right, well, thanks for letting us know. 275 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,200 All over your drive. 276 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,120 Wonderful. 277 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,640 - Here, Jackie. - Mmm. 278 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,200 A nice big bag of dog sick. 279 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,040 Maybe just put that in your bin when you get home? 280 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,280 Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin. 281 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:29,520 Bye, all! 282 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,600 Yes, goodbye... 283 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,160 ...the Lucy. 284 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,920 - Erm, he seemed nice. - He's not. 285 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,080 So, you are gonna tell her, aren't you? 286 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,640 Oh, shut your face! 287 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,560 Oh, I do apologise. 288 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,840 Maybe we can all get back to our meal, then, eh? 289 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,280 Argh! 290 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,360 Are you all right, Martin? 291 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:59,160 Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy. 292 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,240 JACKIE: Martin? 293 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,000 Er, what are you doing?! 294 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,760 So terribly dizzy. 295 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:05,760 Er... 296 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,160 Oh, my God. Why did you do that? 297 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,520 - Huh? - You just poured all my soup away! 298 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,760 Did I? I don't remember. 299 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:16,400 OK, just give me your soup, will you, and stop mucking about. 300 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,280 - (MARTIN GROANS) - Martin! 301 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,040 I am sorry, girls. 302 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,920 Ha! That's OK... 303 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,160 Well, come on, then. 304 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,120 Ohh, dizzy again. 305 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,120 Oh, my God. 306 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,320 - Arghhh! - (JACKIE SQUEALS) 307 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,440 - God! - Dad! 308 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,160 Jesus! 309 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,640 - Martin! - Burning! Burning! 310 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,160 (SQUEALS) 311 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,600 That's better. 312 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,440 What the hell is wrong with you? 313 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,960 What? I told you, I just suddenly felt all... 314 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,160 OK. Are you trying to show off? Is that it? 315 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,640 Are you trying to impress the girls? The young girls? 316 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,160 - Impress the young girls?! - Cos I've got news for you, 317 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,040 Martin Goodman - they're your sons' girlfriends! 318 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,720 Jackie, you make it sound as if I'm having intercourse with them! 319 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:01,720 Er... 320 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,280 - Sorry. - Oh, hi. Thanks. 321 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,960 Just put them over there. 322 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,040 - (GASPS) The girls left everything. - Well... 323 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,640 ...maybe they're just not that mad on chicken soup. 324 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,320 Martin, they said they wanted to drink it out of a bloody bucket! 325 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,440 Oh, God! They hate my food. 326 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,840 Course they don't hate your food. 327 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,960 - They do! I've ruined everything. - Jackie... 328 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,840 They're gonna dump them, Martin, I know it. 329 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,440 - They're going to dump the boys! - Er... 330 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:30,840 Oh! 331 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,040 - Er... - Probably best 332 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,680 if we stop coming in and out of the kitchen. 333 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,680 Just wait in the bleeding dining room, will you?! 334 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,720 How kind. 335 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,320 Come on, Jackie. In a couple of minutes, we'll all be tucking in 336 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,720 - to your delicious roast chicken. - Which they'll hate. 337 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,600 They won't hate your chicken! 338 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,880 Oh, come here. 339 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,600 I know it sounds silly, Martin, but it's a big night for me. 340 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:53,800 I know, love, I know. 341 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,560 A very big night. 342 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,200 Oh, Martin. 343 00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,400 (KNOCKING) 344 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,600 - Eh? - Who the hell's that? 345 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,520 Sick again, Jackie! 346 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,040 Here we are. 347 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,400 Ah, yes, the chicken - 348 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,640 which is without glass? 349 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,480 - (THWACK) - Ow! 350 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:17,800 Right. 351 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,280 Chickieboo for you. 352 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,480 Thanks, Mum. 353 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,760 And chickieboo for you. 354 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,240 Chickieboo! 355 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,240 Chickiebooboo! 356 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,240 (ALL LAUGH) 357 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:30,080 Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous roast chicken tonight, 358 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,160 and we both hope that you enjoy the taste. 359 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,680 - Er... thanks. - Thanks. 360 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,120 Please put your crack pipe away. 361 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,280 - Er, Jonny and I are going away tomorrow. - Are you? 362 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,800 Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton for the weekend. Isn't that cool? 363 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,760 Aww, isn't that nice of her? 364 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,240 And so modern! 365 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:49,880 Well, it is the 19th century! 366 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,440 Are you going to take Adam away for the weekend? 367 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,840 Dad! 368 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,560 A dirty weekend?! 369 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,760 (CHORTLES) 370 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,360 God! (SIGHS) 371 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,360 Ignore him, love. 372 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,600 (TUTS) 373 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,400 - Er...nice chicken? - God, it's good. 374 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,600 - Oh, it's so nice. - See, Jackie? 375 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,600 The girls don't hate your food. 376 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,640 So, what are you two up to this weekend, then? 377 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,840 Um, well, we thought we might just kinda do a lazy 378 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,080 pub lunch thing, you know? 379 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,360 Ooh, I love a pub lunch! 380 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,280 I'm sure it won't be as nice as this, though, Jackie. 381 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,880 - (JONNY MOUTHS) - JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie! 382 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,640 (MOUTHS) 383 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:36,680 Everything all right? 384 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,080 Mmm? 385 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,440 What are you looking at in there? 386 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,320 Girls, I think he's found those nails I added earlier! 387 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,320 (JACKIE LAUGHS) 388 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,040 What? 389 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,360 What?! 390 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:51,920 (SIGHS) 391 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,400 - There's glass in the chicken! - The food's got glass in it. 392 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,560 - Huh? - You bloody sods! 393 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,400 - Dad! - Dad! 394 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:58,400 Martin, oh, my God! 395 00:14:58,440 --> 00:14:59,560 - (THWACK) - Ow! 396 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,800 There's glass in the food? 397 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,200 - Um... - Er... 398 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,240 Don't you dare! 399 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,920 Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass 400 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:05,880 - in the chicken. - Glass in the chicken. 401 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,800 - You shitheads! - And also in... 402 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:08,800 And also in the soup. 403 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,160 You shitting shitheads! 404 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,920 So there was glass in the food, and you didn't tell me? 405 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,640 Well, they didn't tell you, did they? 406 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,840 - (OTHERS GASP) - Oh, my God! 407 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,160 That is so low! 408 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,360 I can't believe it! My entire dinner had bloody glass in it! 409 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,200 Not the bread. 410 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,440 - The bread didn't have glass in it. - (THWACK) 411 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,360 Ow! 412 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,640 Do you know how long I sweated over this bloody meal? 413 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,760 - Mum... - And do you know 414 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,200 how long I've waited for this night? 415 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,400 (SNIFFS) For my boys to bring home... 416 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,360 ...their lovely girls? 417 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,840 (SOBS) 418 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,080 Great. 419 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,800 Thanks a lot, arse-brains. 420 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,000 Jackie! 421 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,640 Jackie! 422 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,440 And that's our mum and dad. 423 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,400 - (SNIFFS) - Here we are. 424 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:58,920 One extra-large gin and tonic. 425 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,160 Aw, thank you, darlings. 426 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,920 - That's all right. - Seriously, 427 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,440 you can have it in a bucket if you like. 428 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,760 Sorry, again, love. 429 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,280 Did you say something, Martin? 430 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,240 So...what are we going to have for dinner, then? 431 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,800 - I could make something. - Oh, sure. 432 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,680 Yeah, I think we've all swallowed enough glass tonight, thank you. 433 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,640 There's crumble. 434 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:19,960 We can't just eat crumble. 435 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,640 We can just eat crumble. Everyone loves crumble. 436 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,120 I could eat crumble out of a bloody... ...cement-mixer! 437 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,080 Make that two bloody cement-mixers! 438 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,440 With two bloody spades! 439 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,520 You're lovely girls. 440 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,560 - Right, then - crumble for dinner! - Yay! 441 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,600 Crimble crumble! 442 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,040 Crimble crumble! Aww. 443 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,400 Come on, girls. 444 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,200 Lovely Lucys. 445 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,480 OK - is there any glass in the crumble? 446 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,760 Piss off! 447 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,160 Da-da! 448 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,000 - Crimble crumble! - Crimble crumble! 449 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,760 What fun, eh, girls? 450 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:55,640 Oh, yeah. 451 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,960 Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know, say a few words? 452 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,160 A few words? 453 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,560 Go on, say something nice. 454 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,359 Um...OK, love. 455 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,160 And stand by. 456 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,400 (CLEARS HIS THROAT) 457 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,200 - Hear ye! Hear ye! - (GLASS SMASHES) 458 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,440 (ALL GASP) 459 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,240 - Oh, dear. - Dad! 460 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,640 - Oh, my God! - You idiot! 461 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,079 I can't believe it! You just got bloody glass in my crumble! 462 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:19,680 Jackie, it was an accident. 463 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,160 You've got glass in everything tonight! Everything! 464 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,599 Calm down, Jackie. 465 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,000 Don't tell me to effing calm down! 466 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,520 Mum! Right, just get out, will you? 467 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,760 - What? Really? - You heard me! 468 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,480 You've ruined the whole bloody night! Just get... 469 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,640 I'm pregnant! 470 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,680 I'm gonna have a baby. 471 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,680 Shi-i-i-it! 472 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,840 I'm sorry? 473 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,400 She's... We're... 474 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,840 Lucy's having a baby. 475 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,520 You mean... 476 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,000 ...I'm going to be a grandma? 477 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,840 Well, that's sort of how it works. 478 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,720 Oh, my God! 479 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,440 Oh, Bobble! 480 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,560 - And sweetie-pie! - Aw, thank you, Jackie! 481 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,560 Oh, that's wonderful! 482 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,960 Yeah, nice one, Pusface. 483 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,320 - Cheers. - Yeah, I hated having babies. 484 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:17,480 Er...? 485 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,880 You basically spend the whole time up to your neck in excrement. 486 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,720 - Thank you. - Um... 487 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,080 ...I'm also pregnant. 488 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,400 (NERVOUS LAUGH) 489 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,600 - What? - What?! 490 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,920 I'm...pregnant as well. 491 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,680 - She's up the duff too? - Shh! 492 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,640 Shi-i-i-it. 493 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,520 You're pregnant? What do you mean 494 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,680 you're pregnant? Why didn't you tell me? 495 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,520 I was going to tell you when we were away, 496 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,960 and make it all special, 497 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,720 but then this happened... 498 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,200 ...and... 499 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,280 Well, aren't you happy? 500 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,000 He certainly looks happy. 501 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,000 Babe! 502 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,080 Of course I'm happy! 503 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,120 It's incredible! Oh, my God! 504 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,200 I can't bloody believe it! 505 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,520 Aww! Lovely Lucy! 506 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,680 And lovely Jonnyboo! 507 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,280 Well done, bambinos! 508 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,400 Just to say, I am definitely going to faint at some point this evening! 509 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,400 Wow. 510 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,960 Wow. 511 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,440 We're going to be dads. 512 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,640 I know. 513 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:34,920 Terrible dads. 514 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,400 Obviously terrible dads. 515 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,920 I guess we'll have to... 516 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,200 What? 517 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,040 Grow up. 518 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,800 I know. 519 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,360 You'll still put salt in my water, though, right? 520 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,440 Oh, yeah - salt, washing-up liquid, acid. 521 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,760 Cool. 522 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,000 'Scuse me. 523 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,320 What do you think, eh, Dad? 524 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,280 Well, you won't be needing sheaths for the next couple of months, will you? 525 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,360 - (GROANS) - Thank you! 526 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,720 Grotty, isn't he? 527 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,880 Absolutely disgusting. 528 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,200 My boys! 529 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,720 - Please... - Oh, my Bobbles! 530 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,080 Mum! 531 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:14,040 Oh, I am so happy! I am so bloody happy! 532 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,080 Mum! 533 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,000 Go on, go and see your girls. 534 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,080 Oh, and if you ever do have a wedding, don't let your dad do the catering! 535 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,560 (LAUGHS) 536 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,720 - You all right over there? - Yeah. 537 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,560 - Got some rotting egg on my... - I really don't want to know right now. 538 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,240 Course. Sorry. 539 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,600 We're going to be grandparents, Martin. 540 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,240 I know. I can't believe it. 541 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,440 Do you remember when the boys were little? 542 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,240 What, little shitting machines? 543 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,400 You're really not spoiling the moment, Martin. 544 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:44,520 Sorry, love. 545 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,760 It's wonderful, really, isn't it? 546 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,360 Yeah. 547 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,280 It's just lovely. 548 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,360 Yes! 549 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,800 You've done it, Jackie! 550 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,280 Grandchildren! 551 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,840 You've done it! 552 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,120 - Hello, Jackie! - Oh, Jim! 553 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,240 Jim, we've just had 554 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,840 - the most amazing news! - So have I, Jackie. 555 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,360 Milson's just had babies! 556 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,480 (PUPPIES SQUEAK) 557 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,120 I just had no idea that Milson was pregnant. 558 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:33,120 Maybe that's why she kept vomiting all over the place. 559 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,280 - All over our place. - And to think, 560 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:40,560 I now have not just one dog, but a whole box full of dogs. 561 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,200 Come on...baby Milsons. 562 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,640 Aww. 563 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,800 Do you know what? I fancy a boogie. 564 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,960 Girls - a boogie? 565 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,320 - Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie! - I'll have a boogie! 566 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,160 I'm definitely not having a boogie. 567 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,560 - No way! - What's a boogie? 568 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,960 - (DANCE MUSIC) - Oh, that's a boogie. 569 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,120 Come on, Martin! 570 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:22,000 - Oh! - Horrible, isn't it? 571 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,520 It's like the start of some terrifying sex party. 572 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,600 It's all good though, innit, Pusface? 573 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,400 Yeah, Pissface. 574 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:32,440 It's all good. 575 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,120 Come on. 576 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:37,960 (ALL CHEER) 577 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,200 Turn it up, Martin, turn it up! 578 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,760 (SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC) 579 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,720 Oh, Martin! 580 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,600 Dad! 581 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,400 Shit on it.